< Translator’s note: The original formatting of the stories has been preserved. The translations aim to remain as close as possible to each author's original wording and expression.
I was with him for a year. When you're in a relationship, it's very hard to understand that something is going wrong, because this is your relationship, and he's your boyfriend. How can I refuse sex to my boyfriend? If I could say something to my past self, I would say: "Sweetheart, run. Your no must be respected, and if it isn't, then run." For a long time, I thought something was wrong with me. After every time we had sex, I had blood, and during it I felt like I was watching what was happening from the outside. Once, my face and limbs went numb. I was very frightened, but under his weight, I couldn't even move.
One time, something terrible happened to me — I found out something very sad about a relative. I cried all evening. My ex came over, brought cheap ice cream, and comforted me. And then he asked: "So we're still going to have sex now, right?" I refused. He asked ten more times, I said no ten times, but the eleventh time I had to say yes, because this was in my apartment, I felt threatened and had nowhere to run. He ignored the blood and my words. He said that everything down there just needed to stretch out, and we needed to "fuck" more often.
I had surgery — a hymenoplasty — because it turned out I had a double-opening hymen and a piece of tissue needed to be removed. It was a very traumatic experience. The doctor treated me very roughly; the surgery was under full anaesthesia, and I couldn't walk for several days afterward. I needed a month for everything to heal, but obviously, my ex couldn't wait for that.
I remember blood, constantly blood, a lot of blood, and pain. When we didn't have sex, he would visibly walk around in a sulk, in a bad mood, not wanting to talk. He said that sex was ten times more important to him than to me, and that I, as a woman, could never understand him. Men have a "need." They can't live without it.
When I tried to discuss with him how I felt, he said there was nothing to talk about and punished me with silence and ignoring. When he said, "You're so sexy, look at what you've done to me," I felt a terrible sense of danger and guilt for being so attractive and arousing him with my appearance.
I'm glad I found the courage to tell my friends and finally leave that relationship. I'm doing well now, I'm in therapy and have great support from friends and feminist communities. I want to talk about this because it hurts. I want girls to see the red flags right away and run as fast as they can. I want us to be free and not fear being raped for being attractive. I hate sexualisation, objectification, and my ex for what he did to me.
Sara; story told in 2021 as part of the "16 Days of Activism Against Gender-Based Violence" campaign