How Stereotypes About Lesbians Mask Violence
The queer community is surrounded not only by negative prejudices but also by so-called positive stereotypes. These are generalized notions that, at first glance, seem innocent and sometimes even pleasant. They portray lesbian relationships as inherently peaceful, happy, and carefree. Think of the memes and jokes about how lesbians move in together after the first date or always have amazing sex for hours on end.
Stereotypes about lesbians have several sources. First, the idea that everything is quiet and peaceful in these relationships stems from gender biases about women as quiet, passive, and weak, incapable of violence.
Second, society tends to view queer relationships as less “serious,” where people are together solely for sex, experimentation, and fun. Third, there are myths within the LGBTQI+ community that queer people are friendlier, more ethical, more progressive, better at understanding one another, and free from patriarchal attitudes.
However, as in any social group, people are more complex and diverse than stereotypes suggest. So, unfortunately, abusers and toxic relationships also exist among lesbians and people with other queer identities.
Prejudices that obscure violence:
“Women are less aggressive and incapable of violent acts.”
This notion stems directly from gender stereotypes. Patriarchal attitudes have created a clear gender divide: men are active, strong, and sometimes aggressive, while women are gentle, caring, and empathetic. This influences the upbringing and socialization of children, who begin to unconsciously imitate adults and do not question this social paradigm. So, on the one hand, it is true that women are more likely to restrain themselves, feeling societal pressure. Perhaps this is precisely why women constitute a minority in statistics on violent crimes*. However, this does not mean that they are incapable of violence or cannot be perpetrators in relationships. Statistics confirm this: according to various sources, approximately 43% of lesbians and 61% of bisexual women have reported** experiencing violence in their relationships.
*Characteristics of men’s violence against women and girls in police-recorded crime. Crime Statistics Agency, 2024. — https://www.crimestatistics.vic.gov.au/research-and-evaluation/publications/characteristics-of-mens-violence-against-women-and-girls-in
**Domestic violence in the LGBTQIA community: A Hidden Crisis. The Harris County Domestic Violence Coordinating Council. — https://www.hcdvcc.org/domestic-violence-in-the-lgbtqia-community-a-hidden-crisis/
“There is no inequality in lesbian relationships.”
In lesbian relationships, both partners are women—what could go wrong? This prejudice is based on the illusion that there is no significant inequality, patriarchal attitudes, or imbalance of physical strength—and therefore no violence—between women. However, this is a falsehood hidden behind an overly simplistic view of the world. The fact is that women are not a homogeneous social group where everyone is the same and equal. Among them, there are still more or less privileged, vulnerable, and marginalized subgroups. In addition to their gender, a person may have many other identities and statuses that can fall into various systems of power imbalance in society. For example, trans women, women in difficult financial situations, those with mental health conditions, and members of ethnic minorities may be more vulnerable to violence. And these are not rare coincidences: think about how many characteristics and identities you have (for example, national, professional, age, education, family status, etc.).
“There can be no rape in lesbian relationships.”
Here, several prejudices may overlap. First, there is a heterocentric notion that “real” sex is possible only between a cis woman and a man, involving penile penetration of the vagina. All other forms of sexual interaction, including those between women, are considered insufficiently serious regardless of consent. Second, the notion still prevails in our society that rape cannot occur in relationships—especially long-term ones—because under such conditions, sex is supposedly a “duty” or always desired by both parties. In addition, rape is often imagined as something necessarily violent, involving the use of brute physical force. In reality, however, it can be any form of sex without consent, including taking advantage of intoxication or psychological manipulation.
Lesbian relationships can involve harassment, rape, and other forms of sexual violence. But these cases often remain invisible and underestimated.
“Lesbian relationships are free of any burdens.”
Abuse in lesbian relationships is also downplayed because they are generally perceived as less serious. After all, in Ukraine and many other countries, lesbians cannot marry or have children together—factors that often complicate situations of domestic violence and prevent victims from leaving. According to this prejudice, it is supposedly easier to leave such relationships, but in reality, this is not the case.
Let’s remember that various forms of abuse also occur in informal heterosexual relationships, and they can be just as severe as in marriage. Abusers have many ways to keep the victim by their side (for example, through threats of suicide, blackmail with intimate photos or certain information, the use of physical force, or a wide range of manipulations that take effect over the course of the relationship and due to the victim’s vulnerable state).
Furthermore, the informal nature of the relationship does not mean that lesbians do not have children. And it is precisely because of the uncertain legal status and vulnerability of the situation that violence can actually become more complicated, rather than simpler.
“Bringing up violence is harmful to the community.”
This is a mindset prevalent within the queer community and driven by conditionally positive stereotypes about lesbian relationships. According to these stereotypes, such relationships are supposedly supposed to be harmoniously perfect, with the highest levels of mutual understanding and happiness. Sometimes they are even contrasted with heterosexual relationships, with the false claim that, unlike those, there is no violence in lesbian couples.
So acknowledging abuse in one’s own lesbian relationship can feel like a source of shame or a betrayal of the community. As if everything is fine for everyone else, and only something is wrong with me (in reality, it isn’t).
We urge you not to perpetuate the patriarchal principle of “don’t air your dirty laundry in public,” as it harms everyone. Victims of violence feel isolated, wrong, and guilty about what happened because of this. In reality, violence can occur in any relationship, including lesbian ones, and shaming for supposedly “disgracing the community” has no place.