What Is Psychological Violence and How to Recognize It

What Psychological Violence Consists Of

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Common components of psychological violence include control, insults, threats, and criticism. They can take different forms and often overlap.

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Control is the attempt to influence as many areas of a person’s life as possible. It may manifest when a partner tries to forbid seeing friends; restricts the use of social media; limits contact with family or relatives; insists on knowing where the person is; looks for reasons to create scenes of jealousy; forbids the use of contraception or otherwise interferes with decisions about family planning; prevents completing education or starting a new course; wants to decide what clothes the person wears; expects the person to ask permission to see a doctor.

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Control is almost always accompanied by insults and criticism. Insults may take the form of name-calling (“You wouldn’t understand, you’re too stupid”), condescension (“I’ll explain it more simply so even you can understand”), humiliation (“Without me, you are nothing”), or manipulation (“If you loved me, you would do it”).

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Criticism can also take the form of devaluation. The perpetrator attributes exaggerated or inappropriate traits to the person and diminishes the importance of their experiences. This may include devaluing emotions (“It’s just depression,” “That’s nothing to cry about”), devaluing their contribution or work (“You’re lazy,” “You don’t work/earn enough”), or their personal qualities (“You’re crazy,” “You’re a failure”).

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Direct threats and intimidation may signal escalation of verbal abuse and are meant to frighten the person and force submission. Intimidation comes from a position of power, where the perpetrator threatens emotional, economic, or physical punishment to get what they want: “If you don’t listen to me, I’ll throw you out,” “If you don’t stop complaining, I’ll leave you,” “If you don’t understand with words, I’ll hit you.”

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It is important to remember that violence is often complex, and psychological violence can gradually turn into physical, sexual, or economic violence. It tends to escalate over time, as the perpetrator feels impunity and seeks greater control.

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How to Understand That You Are Experiencing Psychological Violence

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• You are often criticized, and your positive qualities and achievements are seldom acknowledged.

• You often hear insults directed at you.

• Your partner often raises their voice at you.

• You are constantly blamed for all problems (including the violence itself).

• You are systematically lied to, and your words and events are distorted.

• Your emotions are devalued, and the impact of violence is minimized.

• Your social circle gradually narrows, and you are forbidden from seeing friends or relatives;

• You are constantly accused of wanting or trying to cheat.

• The perpetrator monitors your movements, checks your phone, searches your belongings, and interrogates you;

• The perpetrator threatens self-harm or suicide if you leave.

• The perpetrator threatens you with violence, eviction, taking money, rape, or other harm if you do not comply.

• The perpetrator tries to portray you as a bad person and themselves as better and suffering.

• Instead of dialogue, you are punished with silence and cold behavior.

• You are denied rest and pleasure: criticized for “laziness,” prevented from taking care of yourself, or deprived of sleep.

• You notice that you constantly choose your words carefully to prevent the perpetrator’s aggression at the expense of your dignity.

 

Unfortunately, in our society, psychological violence is often invisible. It is commonly dismissed as a “conflict,” a “domestic quarrel,” or even normal communication. This is reinforced by a lack of psychological education, stigma around mental health, and low communication skills and emotional awareness.

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What to Do If You Are Experiencing Psychological Violence

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Recognize that it is not your fault. Only the perpetrator is responsible for violence, no matter how much they try to convince you otherwise. Take care of yourself and do not internalize devaluing messages.

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Do not believe that the perpetrator will change, and do not take responsibility for “fixing” or “saving” them. Do not give in to threats of self-harm; these are often manipulations. Focus on yourself and those who truly depend on you (children, elderly relatives, etc.). Even if the perpetrator promises to change or attends therapy, this does not guarantee the violence will stop. Pay attention to what is happening now, not what might happen in the future.

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Try to maintain social connections as a safety net as much as possible. Create a secret signal or code you can use to alert trusted people if you need urgent help.

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If possible, prepare for an emergency escape. Gather documents, hide some money, prepare essential items, and warn your children.

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Collect information about hotlines and shelters where you can stay temporarily.

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If possible, take care of your digital safety and check whether you are being monitored. Review your phone settings and apps, but do not delete anything suspicious until you are safe. If possible, have a backup phone that the perpetrator does not know about.

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*Психологічне насильство: види, ознаки та наслідки. МОЗ України. — https://moz.gov.ua/uk/psihologichne-nasilstvo-vidi-oznaki-ta-naslidki

**Understanding Psychological Violence against Women. European Institute for Gender Equality. — https://eige.europa.eu/sites/default/files/documents/EIGE_Factsheet_PsychologicalViolence.pdf