Stereotypes about domestic violence that should be left in the past
According to Ukrainian legislation*, domestic violence is a type of gender-based violence between people who live in a shared space. It usually occurs between romantic partners, but can also take place between relatives or people in other cohabitation arrangements. Women are especially often affected by domestic violence: according to UN statistics**, one in three women has had such an experience.
It is important to remember that violence is always connected to a power imbalance, dynamics of inequality, and attempts by one person to establish control over another. It is not isolated бытові conflicts, misunderstandings, or arguments where both sides equally defend their opinions, but rather an ongoing process that repeats over time.
Unfortunately, society still holds many prejudices about domestic violence, which distort and trivialize it. We want to present several of these stereotypes and debunk them, so that unhealthy relationships can be easier to identify both for those affected and for witnesses.
*Про запобігання та протидію домашньому насильству. Верховна Рада України. — https://zakon.rada.gov.ua/laws/show/2229-19#Text
**Facts and figures: Ending violence against women. UN Women. — https://www.unwomen.org/en/articles/facts-and-figures/facts-and-figures-ending-violence-against-women
“If it’s so bad, why does she stay? If she wanted to, she would have left long ago.”
Violence can indeed last for years, and those affected do not always leave immediately — or at all. According to British statistics*, people may live in abusive relationships for an average of 2–3 years before seeking help. Other studies show that it takes survivors, on average, seven attempts to leave an abuser before they can do so permanently**.
This does not happen because survivors “like it” or because the situation is not serious enough. There are several possible overlapping reasons.
First, a person experiencing abuse may not have the resources — both material and psychological — to leave. Early stages of abuse are often not perceived as serious, but this is when control is gradually established, including by limiting access to support and income. For example, the abuser may restrict communication with friends and family, criticize them, and position themselves as the only trustworthy person. Through economic abuse, the survivor may also lack money or the ability to work. In societies where it is normalized for a woman to stay home and manage the household or childcare while the man controls finances, she may have neither savings nor a place to go. This is why shelters with undisclosed addresses exist, where survivors can stay temporarily.
Second, leaving can be dangerous. Abuse often becomes more visible at later stages, when the survivor is already partially or fully dependent. They may be intimidated by threats or physical violence and lose trust in their own perception due to gaslighting — a psychological tactic that makes a person doubt their reality. Abusers often react especially aggressively to attempts to leave, file for divorce, or separate, escalating violence to discourage even thinking about it. There may also be manipulation, such as threats of self-harm if the survivor leaves. The situation becomes even more complex if there are children involved: abusers may threaten to take them, turn them against the other parent, or harm them.
(For more details on cycles of violence, we covered this in the article “How Violence Works: The Cycle and Wheel Models”)
Third, leaving a relationship may carry social stigma, especially in conservative, closed, or religious communities. In patriarchal cultures, blame for divorce is often placed on the woman: she “failed to keep the marriage,” “abandoned the children,” or “destroyed the family,” even if she endured violence for years.
*How long do people live with domestic abuse? SafeLives. — https://safelives.org.uk/about-domestic-abuse/what-is-domestic-abuse/facts-and-figures/length-of-abuse/
**Why Is It Difficult To ‘Just Leave’ An Abusive Relationship? Safe Speaks. — https://safespeaks.org/2022/08/23/why-is-it-difficult-to-just-leave-an-abusive-relationship-2/
“She probably deserved it.”
Such beliefs stem from gender stereotypes and most often target women. Patriarchal norms expect women to be obedient, to follow a man’s decisions, and to diligently perform household duties. If she disagrees or expresses dissatisfaction, this is often dismissed as “nagging.”
For example, if a wife asks her husband to equally participate in raising a child or points out poorly done household tasks, she may be labeled picky or even “crazy.” It is assumed that men become tired of this “nagging” and that it may supposedly lead to irritation or even aggression.
In reality, there is no violence that someone can “deserve.” Responsibility always lies with the perpetrator. Conflicts in a family can be resolved through dialogue and equality if all parties respect each other. Violence is always a conscious choice and has no justification. There should be no place in modern society for views that allow harming or humiliating someone because they are a “bad wife” or “bad mother.”
If you catch yourself thinking that a survivor may have deserved violence, reflect on where this reaction comes from. It does not mean you are a bad person — we all absorb patriarchal attitudes growing up. What matters is learning to recognize and unlearn them.
“It’s a private matter.”
Domestic violence is often hidden because it happens behind closed doors and between close people. Many find it hard to believe that loved ones can be abusive, so they interpret violence as a personal conflict.
In reality, responsibility always lies with the abuser, regardless of the survivor’s behavior. Even in personal conflicts, people sometimes involve a neutral third party. When it comes to domestic violence, it goes beyond a бытовий dispute and becomes a crime.
For example, if two partners argue about how to spend savings and reach a mutual agreement, that is a personal conflict. But if one partner takes the money unilaterally while humiliating or gaslighting the other, that is violence.
In Ukraine, the law “On Prevention and Counteraction to Domestic Violence” defines how abusers can be held accountable, including criminal responsibility. Therefore, domestic violence is not a private matter.
“Violence only happens in poor, uneducated, dysfunctional families.”
This stereotype is linked to stigma against people with low income or education. Poverty is often associated with substance abuse, and families labeled as “alcoholic” are heavily stigmatized and isolated.
In reality, domestic violence occurs in families of all income and education levels. However, poverty can make the situation worse. Without financial resources, it is harder to leave an abuser or support oneself. Limited education may also restrict job opportunities.
Poverty itself is not a cause of violence. It can increase dependence and make leaving more difficult. If you feel that people in difficult financial situations do not deserve empathy or help, reflect on whether stereotypes are influencing you.
*Wang Z and Sekiyama T (2023) Domestic violence victimization among Chinese women and its relevance to their economic power. Front. Sociol. — https://www.frontiersin.org/journals/sociology/articles/10.3389/fsoc.2023.1178673/full#cite
“If there are no bruises, it’s just a misunderstanding, not violence.”
We often imagine domestic violence in stereotypical ways — visible injuries, bruises, physical harm. But this is only one form. In reality, domestic violence can take many forms:
Physical violence — any physical act, including not only beatings but also pushing, slapping, restricting movement, or throwing objects.
Sexual violence — any sexual act without consent, including assault within relationships or families, as well as exploitation. It also includes harassment and actions not necessarily involving physical contact, such as explicit comments or ignoring a refusal.
Psychological violence — actions that harm mental and emotional well-being, such as insults, gaslighting, threats, stalking, or restricting communication and activities.
Economic violence — limiting financial independence, including controlling money, preventing work or education, and creating dependence.
How to unlearn stereotypes about domestic violence
A good place to start is with yourself. Stereotypes persist because people repeat them without reflection.
If you notice automatic thoughts that a survivor “deserved” violence or is “to blame,” ask yourself why you are blaming them rather than the abuser. Reflect on upbringing and cultural messages like “don’t air dirty laundry” or “both sides are always responsible.”
Try to trust survivors’ words, even if there is no direct evidence. Abusers already benefit from societal trust — do not reinforce that imbalance.