How Abusers Manipulate Psychological Terms

When committing gender-based violence, abusers usually try to avoid taking responsibility for their actions. To do this, they deny their own guilt and shift the blame onto the survivor. Recently, this has become easier due to the popularization of psychology and various related terms. Abusers may borrow these terms and twist them to serve their own interests. Since every case is individual and abuse has a wide spectrum, we will consider the generalized mechanism of this tactic.

What Is “Therapy Speak” and Why It Can Be Toxic

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The excessive and often harmful use of psychological terminology is called therapy speak. Because of this, words lose their original meaning, become devalued, and are no longer taken seriously. Not everyone who uses therapy speak is an abuser, but abusers may use it deliberately to continue the abuse.

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This tactic causes harm in two ways. First, the abuser further invalidates the survivor’s experiences and reinforces the idea that the problem lies with her. Second, it distorts the meaning of these terms, making it harder to use them in the future to identify abuse.

How Abusers Twist Psychological Terms

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Shifting Blame for Gaslighting

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An abuser may overuse the term gaslighting, applying it whenever someone points out their attempts to humiliate, devalue, or control. In doing so, they try to present themselves as the victim and confuse the person they are abusing even more.

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For example, when an abuser is told that they should take responsibility for insults or rude behavior, they may become defensive, deny their actions, and call such criticism “gaslighting.” This can include phrases such as:

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• “You can’t say anything to you, you explode immediately and attack me.”

• “I was just joking, and now you’re accusing me of everything.”

• “You’re projecting your issues onto me; that’s not what I meant.”

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In this way, the abuser may even convince the survivor that she is the toxic one. It can be difficult to escape this tangle of accusations. However, remember: if communication consistently makes you feel uncomfortable, unheard, insulted, or humiliated, it is abuse — no matter what words are used to disguise it.

Misusing the Concept of “Personal Boundaries”

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Imagine someone makes a degrading joke about you. When you point it out and ask them not to do it again, they respond with something like:

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“Don’t pressure me. I’m not obligated to change my personality.”

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This is an example of how people manipulate the concept of personal boundaries to avoid responsibility for their words.

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Having healthy personal boundaries is positive. However, recently the term has become very popular, and its meaning is often interpreted differently by different people. Abusers may use it to disguise controlling behavior.

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An abuser may define anything they dislike as a “personal boundary,” even when it undermines another person’s autonomy and dignity. For example, a partner may ask you not to see your friends, not to post photos on social media, or demand access to your phone, claiming that these are “their boundaries” and conditions for trust in the relationship.

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They may also use “boundaries” to avoid accountability. For example:​

“I don’t want to talk about this — you’re violating my personal boundaries!”

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This may be said whenever the topic of abuse arises.

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Another form of control involves manipulating words such as “safety,” “trigger,” or “inner child.” For example, when an abuser hears a refusal, tries to impose their wishes, or justifies their betrayal, they may say:

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• “When you refused me, it triggered me.”

• “I cheated because my inner child felt unhappy in this relationship.”

• “When you don’t tell me where you’re going and with whom, I don’t feel safe.”

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It is important to remember that healthy boundaries are communicated calmly, through dialogue, and with consideration for a partner’s perspective. They are not meant to control another person’s behavior.

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If someone constantly invents new boundaries, changes them during conflicts, refuses to explain them, applies pressure, or demands compliance with their conditions, this may actually be a way to conceal abusive behavior.

Manipulating Diagnoses

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If mental health diagnoses appear in conversations only when it benefits the other person, this is a red flag. Abusers may manipulate both real diagnoses — their own or someone else’s — or use diagnostic terms as insults.

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For example, when someone tries to defend themselves or challenge accusations, the other person may respond:

“See how emotional you are? That’s because of your bipolar disorder.”

“You can’t control yourself — you have uncontrollable aggression.”

Abuse and boundary violations can also be justified through diagnoses:

“Yes, I’m demanding because I have OCD.”

“I’m just an anxious person, I get jealous — that’s how I am.”

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Mental health conditions can certainly make life more difficult, but they are never an excuse for systematic abusive behavior. If a person is capable of understanding their actions, they are responsible for them. And if certain diagnoses create difficulties or crises in a relationship, these issues can be discussed with a partner — provided that healthy communication is a shared priority.

How to Recognize These Manipulations

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Trust your emotional reactions. Even if someone presents convincing arguments and appears knowledgeable, if communication consistently makes you feel uncomfortable or distressed, it is worth considering whether you are being manipulated.

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Remember the purpose of therapeutic language. It exists not to compete over suffering or force others to do something, but to better understand oneself, communicate clearly, and work with mental health professionals.

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Learn the real meanings of these terms. If you often hear words like “gaslighting,” “personal boundaries,” “toxicity,” or “trigger” directed at you, look up their definitions in reliable sources — some of them are explained on this website.

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Seek support. Ultimately, you understand your own feelings best. But if you feel confused, unsure of yourself, or unable to trust your perception, it can help to ask someone you trust for their perspective. This could be a close friend, a therapist, or a hotline specialist.

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Reflect on your relationship. If it is difficult to determine whether manipulation is present, focus on whether your autonomy and space for dialogue are preserved within the relationship.