Gaslighting as a Form of Psychological Violence

Common Gaslighting Tactics

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• Accusing the survivor of being too sensitive, emotional, dramatic, or of misunderstanding the situation.

• Denying responsibility, shifting blame, and imposing it on the survivor.

• Dismissing evidence and arguments, refusing constructive dialogue.

• Minimizing the importance of the survivor’s words or thoughts, invalidating their experiences.

• Open or concealed lying.

• Imposing shame for thoughts, words, or actions.

• Undermining the survivor’s ability to remember events, make decisions, or assess situations.

 

Common Gaslighting Phrases Include:

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• “You’re imagining things.”

• “You always exaggerate.”

• “You’re too sensitive, too emotional.”

• “That never happened.”

• “I never said that.”

• “You remember it wrong.”

 

As a result, survivors begin to doubt themselves, since people tend to listen to feedback from partners and loved ones. If someone constantly tries to convince you that you “misunderstood the situation,” this is not simply a communication problem or an isolated conflict, but systematic violence. Long-term gaslighting completely undermines self-trust, confidence in one’s judgment, memory, and ability to think critically. Just as the heroine of Gas Light believed her husband’s seemingly absurd claims, real survivors begin to trust the perpetrator more than themselves and genuinely start to believe that their perception of reality is wrong.

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Gaslighting can be very subtle and routine. However, it is quite effective when it happens regularly, in small doses, often targeting the most vulnerable points. With such phrases, the perpetrator methodically instills the idea that you are emotionally and practically dependent on them:

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• “You have mental problems.”

• “You’re too hot-tempered.”

• “You don’t know how to earn money / make connections.”

• “You’ve never known good treatment.”

• “You’re afraid of being alone.”

• “With that kind of character, no one will marry you.”

 

When the person being gaslit insists on their emotions and their own perception of reality, the perpetrator begins to accuse them of being “too stubborn” and taking everything personally. The perpetrator may also present themselves as the one who is “actually” suffering. In this way, they use gaslighting to avoid accountability for the violence they committed. “I do so much for you!”, “And what about you yesterday!”, “You’re not perfect either.” In this way, the perpetrator deliberately shifts the focus onto the survivor and their supposedly “wrong” actions.

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How Blame-Shifting Happens

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Blame-shifting is a form of gaslighting and is often part of the so-called DARVO strategy (Deny, Attack, Reverse Victim and Offender). In this strategy, the perpetrator first denies that violence occurred (Deny), then attacks the survivor (Attack), and reframes the survivor’s reaction or self-defense as the “real” aggression, portraying themselves as the victim instead (Reverse Victim and Offender). For example: “If you hadn’t made those accusations, I wouldn’t have snapped!” The abuser shifts responsibility not only outwardly, but also internally, trying to preserve their self-image as a “good person” who simply “lost control.”

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The perpetrator may also shift responsibility onto other people or circumstances (“I was tired from work”), their past (“I have childhood trauma”), their personality (“that’s just how I am”), or mental health issues, alcohol, or drugs (“when I drink, I can’t control myself”).

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Signs You May Be Experiencing Gaslighting

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• You constantly doubt yourself, your memories, thoughts, and feelings.

• You regularly wonder whether you are “too sensitive”.

• You often feel confused, as if losing touch with reality.

• Even though you are told everything is fine, you still feel bad.

• You frequently justify your partner’s behavior to yourself or others.

• You often apologize, even when you did nothing wrong, while your partner rarely does;

• Attempts at constructive conversation about relationship problems lead nowhere or result in aggression.

• You carefully choose your words, avoid conflict at any cost, and do not argue even when your partner is wrong.

• You doubt whether you are a good partner, whether you deserve the relationship, or whether you are worthy as a person.

 

Abusers can be our loved ones, relatives, and partners — people we trust. This is why gaslighting can be so invisible to others and so destructive to survivors.

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It is important to remember that there is no justification for gaslighting, just as there is none for any form of violence. It does not happen because of poor emotional regulation, male socialization, emotional unavailability, difficulty accepting responsibility, childhood trauma, or anything else — except the conscious choice to cause harm. The gaslighter’s motive is to use manipulation and deception to shift blame for violence onto the survivor, making them compliant and forcing them into submission. It is about the deliberate desire for total control over a person’s thoughts, emotions, words, and actions.