< Translator’s note: The original formatting of the stories has been preserved. The translations aim to remain as close as possible to each author's original wording and expression.
At that time, we'd been together for a little over two years. Our relationship couldn't be called healthy. Total control — I had to report by phone every hour: where I was, who I was with, what I was doing. If I didn't answer, a fight with insults. When I tried to end the relationship, he promised to take his own life. There was stalking and declarations of eternal, undying love, so I kept coming back to him again and again.
I was 18. We were at my home, in my parents' room. My parents were also home — anyone could have come in at any moment. We argued again. He flew into a rage over jealousy, and in a fit of anger, forced me to perform oral sex on him. We'd already had sex before — it wasn't my first time. But in that aggressive tone — it was the first time. He twisted my arms painfully and loomed over my face. I resisted. I said "no, I don't want to, no, this isn't a game" many times. Realising he wasn't going to get what he wanted that way, he moved to conventional sex. I gave in and waited for it to end. I felt nothing. A sense of emptiness. A few minutes later, I felt a pain in my stomach. He asked if he was the cause of my feeling unwell and went home.
By evening, my pain was unbearable, and I couldn't walk. That day ended with an ambulance and surgery in the gynaecology ward. Internal haemorrhage. I got help in time — any later and I would have died. At the time, I told the boy that it had been rape. I wanted an apology from him. But I didn't believe my own words. I didn't believe them because of a stereotype lodged in my mind about conjugal duty. We weren't married, but we considered our relationship serious, and therefore, I was obliged to have sex even when I didn't want to.
After this, we were together for another two years. Only now has the understanding reached me that sex without consent is rape. Even if you're married or in a relationship. Even if it happened without consequences or threat to life, that doesn't cancel the fact of violence.
Anonymous author; story told in 2020 as part of the "16 Days of Activism Against Gender-Based Violence" campaign