< Translator’s note: The original formatting of the stories has been preserved. The translations aim to remain as close as possible to each author's original wording and expression.
I always loved my father, from early childhood. He was the “head” of the family and raised me in such a way that until the age of ten, I did not realize that my mother could be respected or even perceived as a person. He constantly abused her, gaslighted her, and insulted her, and to little me, it seemed normal. I did the same to please him and hear some praise, or to receive proof that I was loved.
My mother was raised as a “woman” with all possible stereotypical elements: she cooked food, cleaned the house, and so on. As a result, to this day, she does not understand that a woman can do anything other than pleasing a man or kitchen-and-household labor; she believes that a woman must bend to a man and be obedient regardless of what kind of man he is; she relentlessly tries to pass this belief on to me.
I think my mother developed contempt toward women on a subconscious level, because in my childhood, she beat me a lot and dragged me around the house by my hair. At the same time, she adored my brother and never treated him this way. When I was a teenager, my father constantly looked at me in a sexual way and said what needed to be improved in order to please a future husband: to build up my buttocks, or to become thinner. Because of this, I started wearing oversized clothes and avoiding him, since I felt uncomfortable, because it seemed unnatural: that he was evaluating me. I tried to be unnoticeable.
My father completely devalues women and, accordingly, us—me and my sister—as well. He believes that we should cook and clean. If we do something else, he calls it nonsense or madness and then insults us in various ways. He raised my brother the same way, and therefore, my brother shares his toxic attitude toward women. In his opinion, being a woman is an insult. In addition, my brother despises our mother, just like our father does.
When I communicate with them, I feel like bio-waste, some kind of mistake, because of the extreme contempt directed at me, and it hurts me. Because of this upbringing, I grew up very insecure, and over time, I developed a disgust toward men, because in my understanding, men are like my father. I do not accept the concept of relationships, because I am terrified of ending up in my mother’s role and not living my life the way I want to. In my mother’s view, to cope with my sister’s teenage period, it is necessary to find a man for her who would beat her and thereby “improve” her. A man who would grind her into dust. This is how I see the concept of relationships and marriage: continuous violence.
Anonymous author; story shared in 2024 as part of the campaign “16 Days of Activism Against Gender-Based Violence.”