< Translator’s note: The original formatting of the stories has been preserved. The translations aim to remain as close as possible to each author's original wording and expression.

 

This happened in 2012.

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I was in my early twenties — not quite an adult yet, but incredibly inspired.
Back then, I dreamed of working in an LGBTQ organization. I wanted to be part of something meaningful, to contribute to the community.

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So I came and said: here I am — I want to help. Even as a volunteer.

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Maybe I lacked experience or skills. And if someone had told me that, I would have accepted it.
But instead, I was told something else:

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“You look like an ordinary girl.
You’re too feminine.
You’re not a lesbian.
You don’t look like a lesbian.”

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And now I see that girl standing there with an open heart, full of hope and a desire to belong to something important — yet feeling as if she had just been humiliated.

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That was the moment when her femininity became a reason for someone to doubt her belonging to a community where, somehow, appearance was used to define identity.

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And I really started to doubt myself.

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I asked myself:
Maybe I’m not “lesbian enough”?
Maybe I’m doing something wrong?
Maybe if I look feminine, I’ll never find myself or a relationship?
Maybe I should just go and look for a future husband?

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This experience affected me much more deeply than all the more “typical” situations:

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When a “childhood best friend” said:
“You’ll grow out of it. You’ll get it out of your system and become normal.”

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When some random man at a party said:
“Oh, girls, are you lesbians? Can I join you?”

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Or even the time when someone tried to attack me in a café just because I was hugging my girlfriend (and thankfully, it ended with threats only).

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Years have passed.
Now I’m 33.

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And I know the truth about myself much more deeply.

I am a lesbian — regardless of how I look.
Regardless of my clothes, makeup, or lack of it.
Regardless of whether I wear a skirt and heels or jeans and sneakers.
Regardless of people who still divide lesbians into “real” and “not real.”

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I love looking feminine.
And I love feminine women.

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And that does not make me any less of a lesbian, any less genuine, or any less myself.

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Mira Ostrovska, she/her, 33; story shared in 2025 as part of the campaign “16 Days of Activism Against Gender-Based Violence.”