What Is Active Consent in Relationships and How to Practice It

Why do we discuss the principle of consent at all?

Before the emergence of the modern model of egalitarian relationships, where personal boundaries and the principle of consent are central, women’s bodies in most patriarchal societies were for centuries considered the property of men. After marriage, a wife received family duties that were not discussed: she had to serve, obey, bear children, and provide sexual services. Patriarchal attitudes still fail to take women’s desires and comfort into account, and conservative society calls a woman’s lower role in relationships “nature,” “destiny,” or “happiness.”

This is how rape culture emerged — a system of beliefs in society according to which women do not have bodily autonomy and violence against them is normalized. And this is not only about rape: rather, it is the tip of the iceberg, supported by many seemingly less obvious things. These normalize sexist hierarchies, misogynistic prejudices, and the treatment of women as objects of sexual desire.

This “iceberg” of rape culture is often represented as a pyramid of violence consisting of the following main segments:

Normalization of violence: gender stereotypes, jokes about women, sexism, homophobia and transphobia, victim-blaming, objectifying compliments, and justification of harassment.

Humiliation: stalking, threats, revenge porn, harassment.

Explicit violence: rape, beatings, murder, sexual slavery.

As we can see, many things that seem quite ordinary in society can lead to rape: derogatory language about women, such as “broad” or “chick,” advertisements for concrete featuring naked women, insulting words such as “whore,” and jokes about harassment. These normalize the idea of women as something secondary or unserious, and their bodies as accessible to everyone. And if that body can be commented on, discussed, or stared at, then it is only a short step toward social permission to touch it physically as well.

That is why we speak about violence as a system that reproduces itself through familiar, everyday things. Sometimes we may unknowingly reinforce it ourselves, which is why it is important to examine our own reactions. Try to remember whether you have ever:

laughed at sexist jokes about women;
questioned the truthfulness of a survivor’s story;
justified someone’s violence with phrases like “he’s a good guy” or “it’s nothing serious.”

If you answered “yes” to any of these, it is not a verdict but rather an opportunity to reflect: why did you react that way, and how can you avoid it in the future?

What Is Active Consent and How to Recognize It

An important response to rape culture is consent culture, because it restores women’s subjectivity and bodily autonomy. It is a concept according to which any intimate interaction between people requires consent. It has several simple criteria:

Voluntariness. This means the absence of manipulation, physical violence, or coercion. A person must be conscious, not intoxicated, and not asleep. Voluntariness also requires equality between participants, without a power imbalance. This is impossible, for example, in relationships between a supervisor and a subordinate or a student and a teacher.

Enthusiasm. If a person says “I don’t know,” “maybe,” remains silent, or appears distant or frightened — that is not consent. Only a clear “yes” counts.

Informed consent. Consent can only be given to actions that all participants have agreed upon beforehand. If someone wants to try something new, it must be discussed first.

Reversibility. Consent is not given forever — it can be withdrawn at any moment. It is also unacceptable to judge, mock, or pressure someone for refusing.

Clarity. Communication between partners must be transparent and understandable to everyone. There is no room for personal interpretations or hidden meanings that the other person is unaware of.

How to Practice a Culture of Consent

First of all, it is worth discussing the principles of your sexual interaction in advance. Talking about sex before it happens is a normal and healthy practice. If everyone feels comfortable, you can set aside a convenient time and space to outline your preferences and boundaries. It may feel awkward or scary at first — that is normal, since sex remains a taboo topic in our society. However, with practice, these conversations can become more natural.

It is also important to internalize the core principle of consent culture: respecting a partner’s “no.” Refusal does not require explanations or justifications, should not be questioned, and must never be ignored. If you hear “no,” or a request to stop, slow down, or take a pause, stop immediately. If you have doubts, it is better to ask questions such as:

“Do you want to continue?”
“Are you comfortable right now?”

If you have been together for a long time, you may have certain agreements, non-verbal signals, or an ability to understand each other with a few words. However, people in long-term relationships should also reflect on whether they might be causing each other discomfort. It is important to remember that a relationship or marriage is not automatic consent to sex. There is no such thing as a “marital duty” that gives someone unlimited rights to another person’s body. Even if something feels habitual or routine, conversations about sex and mutual reflection on desires and boundaries may improve your shared experience.

Finally, it is worth noting that consent culture is not only about sex and relationships. It can be practiced in all forms of interaction between people. If you want to support and hug a colleague, sit close to someone, have a personal conversation, or take someone’s photo — ask for consent and respect any answer. Asking someone, “Is it okay if I hug you?” may feel unusual at first, but over time it can become a healthy and respectful habit.